Dying Well Matters: The Conversations We Avoid May Be the Ones That Matter Most
Hello, lovely readers — in this blog, The Clarity Coach/ Co-founder & CEO of Let’s Talk Better CIC explores why conversations about dying, end-of-life planning and dementia matter, and why they are conversations we shouldn’t shy away from. Dying Well Matters – Conversations That Count is about creating space for honest, compassionate conversations that can help us feel more prepared, informed and supported when facing some of life’s most difficult moments.
Talking about death doesn’t mean giving up hope. It can mean planning with dignity, understanding our wishes, supporting those we love and making sure the things that matter to us are heard. Through this blog, I invite you to look beyond the discomfort and consider how having these conversations now can make a meaningful difference — for ourselves, our families and our communities.
Dying Well Matters – Conversations That Count | Event 27th October 2026 – Bromley.
There are some conversations we spend our lives avoiding. Death is probably one of them.
We talk about births, weddings, new jobs, retirement, holidays and our plans for the future. We make lists, set goals and talk about the things we want to achieve. But when it comes to dying, many of us suddenly become uncomfortable.
We change the subject.
We tell ourselves there is plenty of time.
We reassure someone that they are doing well.
We say, “Let’s focus on the positive.”
Or perhaps we simply don’t know what to say. And sometimes, because we love someone so deeply, we believe that avoiding the conversation is a way of protecting them. But what if talking about dying isn’t about giving up hope?
What if it is actually about creating more choice, more dignity, more understanding, more connection – and more opportunity to make the most of the time we have?
That is at the heart of Dying Well Matters – Conversations That Count, a free community event being brought together by Bromley Dementia Friendly Community (BDFC) in partnership with Let’s Talk Better CIC (LTB CIC). And for me, this is about so much more than an event. It is about changing a conversation that too often remains unspoken.
Why is talking about dying so difficult?
Let’s be honest. Talking about death can feel frightening.
We may be frightened of upsetting someone.
We may be frightened of saying the wrong thing.
We may worry that talking about death will take away someone’s hope.
We may think:
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Let’s not talk about that now; there’s still plenty of time.”
“You’re doing so well; let’s just focus on the positive.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s best not to talk about death; it might upset them.”
Perhaps you’ve heard some of these. Perhaps you’ve said them. And the truth is, most of these words don’t come from a bad place. They usually come from love.
We say them because we care.
We say them because we are frightened.
We say them because we don’t want someone we love to suffer.
But sometimes, in trying to protect someone from a difficult conversation, we can unintentionally prevent them from telling us what they actually need.
Hospice UK highlights that people living with incurable illness may try to talk about their worries about the future, while family members or professionals can sometimes respond with reassurance such as “you’re doing so well” or “let’s focus on the positive.” Although well-intentioned, this can close down an opportunity for the person to express their fears and priorities. And that is something worth thinking about.
What if the conversation isn’t what causes the sadness?
What if the sadness is already there?
What if talking simply permits someone to share it?
“So, what do I actually say?” This is one of the biggest barriers. We want to have the conversation. We know it probably matters. But we don’t know where to begin and perhaps there isn’t a perfect sentence. Perhaps there doesn’t need to be.
You could simply ask:
“How are you feeling about what is happening?”
“Is there anything you’re worried about?”
“What is important to you right now?”
“Is there anything you want us to know?”
“How would you like us to support you?”
Or even:
“Would you like to talk about it?”
And if the answer is no? That’s okay.
You don’t have to force the conversation. You can simply leave the door open:
“That’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now. But whenever you’re ready, I’m here.”
Sometimes that is enough.
Hospice UK also emphasises that conversations about dying don’t have to be one enormous, frightening discussion. They can happen gradually, at different stages of someone’s illness, guided by what the individual wants to know and discuss.
There isn’t one conversation. There can be many conversations. And sometimes the earlier we begin, the easier those conversations can become.
Culture, faith and tradition matter too
There is another incredibly important part of this conversation. We don’t all understand death in the same way. Our culture, faith, traditions, family experiences and personal beliefs can profoundly influence how we think about dying.
For some people, talking openly about death is a natural and important part of preparing for the future. For others, discussing death with someone who is seriously ill may feel inappropriate. Some families may believe that talking openly about dying could take away hope, cause distress or even be seen as tempting fate.
Some cultures and families may place great importance on collective decision-making. Others may place greater emphasis on an individual’s right to know and make their own choices. Faith can influence how someone understands illness, suffering, prayer, rituals, the afterlife, where they would like to be cared for, who should be involved and what happens after death. And then there are the questions that can become incredibly difficult within families:
Who should be told?
When should they be told?
Should the person who is dying know everything?
Who should make decisions?
Should children be involved?
Who should be present?
There is no single answer that works for everyone and that is precisely why we need to ask rather than assume.
Hospice UK’s work on culture and dying recognises that talking about death and dying can be challenging across different cultures and faiths.
We don’t need to know everything about every culture. We do need to be willing to listen.
Instead of assuming, we can ask:
“What is important to you and your family?”
“Are there any cultural or faith practices you would like us to understand?”
“Who would you like involved in decisions about your care?”
“Is there anything that would help you feel more comfortable or supported?”
These questions don’t tell someone what they should believe.
They give them the opportunity to tell us what they believe because when we understand each other better, we can support each other better by being more understanding and respectful of people’s boundaries and beliefs.
What does “dying well” actually mean?
Perhaps this is the biggest question of all because dying well will mean something different to every person.
For one person it may mean being at home.
For another, it may mean being surrounded by family.
It may mean having their favourite music playing.
Seeing their pet.
Celebrating one more birthday.
Being able to pray.
Having particular religious or cultural rituals respected.
Making peace with someone.
Writing letters to their children.
Having their symptoms and pain managed.
Being able to say goodbye.
Or simply being somewhere they feel safe and cared for.
There is no universal definition of a “good death”. It is personal, and that means we cannot guess. We have to ask.
Hospice UK describes how, in palliative care, understanding what matters to an individual is central because everyone’s priorities and values are different. That is why conversations matter so much. They give someone the opportunity to say:
“This is what matters to me.” This gives the people around them the opportunity to say: “We hear you.” Palliative and end-of-life care isn’t just about the final days. There is also a common misconception that palliative care only begins when someone is very close to death. It doesn’t. Palliative care is about supporting people living with serious or life-limiting illness, including managing symptoms and providing emotional, psychological, social and spiritual support. It can also support families and carers.
That matters because living with a terminal or life-limiting illness can bring an enormous amount of uncertainty.
What is going to happen?
How much time do I have?
Will I be in pain?
Where will I be cared for?
Can I stay at home?
Who can help me?
What happens to my family?
What will happen when I’m no longer able to make decisions?
These aren’t easy questions. However, they are important ones. Talking about wishes and preferences in advance can help people communicate what matters to them and can help those close to them understand their wishes.
An advance statement, for example, can record someone’s wishes, beliefs and preferences for future care. Planning isn’t giving up. It can be an act of care and it can give people greater clarity and can reduce the burden on loved ones who may otherwise be left wondering, “What would Mum have wanted?”
Let's not forget the carers
When we talk about end-of-life care, it is very easy to focus entirely on the person who is ill, but there is often another person quietly living alongside the experience.
The partner. The daughter. The son. The sibling. The friend. The neighbour. The unpaid carer.
The person organising appointments, medication, meals, transport and practical arrangements while trying to hold themselves together emotionally. Carers can experience exhaustion, anxiety, sadness, anticipatory grief, frustration, guilt and uncertainty. And yet many will still say:
“I’m fine.” Because their focus is on the person they love. Guess what? Carers matter too. Their wellbeing matters.
They need somewhere to talk and process.
They need practical information.
They need to understand what is happening.
They need to know what support exists.
And they need permission and not to be afraid to say:
“I’m struggling.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“I need help.”
“I’m frightened about what happens next.” This isn’t selfish. It is human.
In Bromley, Bromley Well provides free support for unpaid adult carers, including practical and emotional support, planning for the future, help through changes in caring circumstances, and support when the person being cared for moves into palliative care or dies. Sometimes the person caring for someone else needs caring for too.
And what happens when we don’t talk?
Silence can feel safer in the moment. However, it can also create a deep sense of loneliness.
A person may be frightened but feel unable to say so.
A family may have completely different assumptions about what someone wants.
A carer may feel overwhelmed but believe they have to cope alone.
Someone may want to talk about their faith or wishes but worry that no one wants to hear it or will understand. Someone may have questions about what is going to happen but be afraid to ask, and families can sometimes reach a crisis point before anyone has had the opportunity to say:
“What do you actually want?”
Hospice UK notes that avoiding honest conversations around death can increase feelings of distress, loneliness and grief. This doesn’t mean we should force conversations. It means we should make them possible.
Understanding each other can change everything
Imagine a family where everyone feels able to say what matters.
Imagine a person living with a terminal illness being able to explain their wishes without feeling that they are upsetting everyone.
Imagine a carer being able to say they are exhausted without feeling guilty.
Imagine a healthcare professional asking about cultural and faith needs rather than making assumptions.
Imagine families knowing where to go for support before they reach crisis point.
Imagine someone saying: “I don’t know what to do.”
And someone being there to say: “You don’t have to work it out alone.”
That is what better conversations can create. Not necessarily different circumstances but a different experience of those circumstances. More understanding. More compassion. More choice. More connection. More confidence and sometimes, simply less fear.
This is why Dying Well Matters.
This is why Nicola Fishman (Co-Chair of Bromley Dementia Friendly Community) and I, Zeenat Noorani (Co-founder/ CEO of Let’s Talk Better CIC) felt so strongly that we needed to create Dying Well Matters – Conversations That Count. INSERT IMAGE
As Let’s Talk Better CIC, our purpose is rooted in creating opportunities for people to talk about the things that matter, particularly the subjects that can be difficult, uncomfortable or surrounded by stigma.
Death and dying belong in that conversation too. This event isn’t about telling people how they should think about death. It isn’t about telling families what they should believe.
It isn’t about forcing anyone to have a conversation they aren’t ready for and it certainly isn’t about taking away hope. It is about creating a safe space to listen, learn, ask questions and connect.
It is about bringing people together around a subject that affects every one of us, while recognising that our experiences, cultures, faiths and beliefs may be very different.
It is about helping people understand the support that exists.
It is about giving carers an opportunity to hear from others and realise they aren’t alone.
It is about helping people living with life-limiting illness understand that their wishes matter.
It is about encouraging people to think about their own preferences before someone else has to make decisions on their behalf.
And it is about making conversations about death and dying less frightening and more human.
What can you gain from coming?
You might come because you are caring for someone.
You might come because someone you love has received a terminal diagnosis.
You might be supporting someone living with dementia.
You might work in health, social care or the community.
You might have experienced bereavement.
You might want to understand more about palliative and end-of-life care.
You might want to learn about support available locally.
Or perhaps you simply believe that we need to become better at talking about death.
Whatever brings you through the door, we hope you leave with something valuable.
Perhaps it will be knowledge.
Perhaps it will be reassurance.
Perhaps it will be a new connection.
Perhaps it will be a question you hadn’t thought of before.
Perhaps it will be the confidence to have a conversation you’ve been avoiding.
Or perhaps it will simply be the realisation: “I’m not the only one who finds this difficult.” That alone can be powerful.
You don’t have to get the words perfect. You don’t have to have the perfect words.
One of the most important things I want people to take away from this is this:
You don’t have to know exactly what to say.
You don’t have to fix someone’s fear.
You don’t have to have all the answers.
Sometimes your role is simply to listen. To sit beside someone. To let them cry. To allow silence.
To say: “Tell me more.”
Or: “I’m here.”
Or: “What matters most to you?” And if you don’t know what to say? You can say exactly that. “I don’t know what to say, but I want to listen.” That can be far more powerful than pretending everything is okay.
Let’s Talk Better – even when the conversation is difficult.
As The Clarity Coach, I often talk about the importance of clarity, slowing down, understanding what matters, asking better questions and having the courage to acknowledge what is true.
As CEO and co-founder of Let’s Talk Better CIC, I believe that clarity shouldn’t just be something we find individually.
It is something we can create together.
By talking. By listening. By asking better questions. By respecting different perspectives. By making space for culture, faith and tradition. By understanding that everyone has their own relationship with death. And by giving people permission to ask for help because asking for help isn’t failing. It is an act of strength.
So, can we start the conversation?
Maybe this blog has made you think about someone you love.
Maybe there is a conversation you’ve been avoiding.
Maybe you have been telling yourself: “There is plenty of time.”
Maybe you don’t know what to say.
Maybe your family or culture has taught you that talking about death isn’t something you do.
Maybe you are caring for someone and quietly struggling yourself. Or maybe you simply want to be better prepared for the future.
You don’t have to do everything today. Start with one question. One conversation. One phone call. One moment of honesty. “Can we talk?”
Sometimes the conversation we are most frightened to have becomes the conversation that brings the greatest clarity, connection and comfort,, and that is why Dying Well Matters because talking about dying isn’t about giving up on life. It is about helping people live with greater choice, dignity, understanding, connection and support – right through to the end.
Dying Well Matters – Conversations That Count - 27 October 2026 – Bromley – United Reform Church
A free community event brought to you by Bromley Dementia Friendly Community (BDFC) in partnership with Let’s Talk Better CIC.
Come and listen.
Come and learn.
Come with questions.
Come because you are caring for someone.
Come because you want to understand more.
Come because you want to think about your own wishes.
Come because you believe we can change the way we talk about death and dying.
Come and be part of changing the conversation.
Book your free place for Dying Well Matters
If you or someone you know needs support
If someone is living with a life-limiting or terminal illness, speaking with their GP, community/district nurse, hospital team or other healthcare professional is a good starting point for understanding what care and support may be available.
You don’t have to wait until things reach crisis point before asking for help.
For people living with dementia, their families, carers and those supporting them in the Bromley borough, Bromley Dementia Friendly Community (BDFC) is a valuable local source of information, connection and support.
Bromley Dementia Friendly Community – BDFC brings together local organisations, services, businesses and community groups to help make Bromley a more dementia-friendly place. Their network can help people discover local activities, services and organisations that can support people affected by dementia and their carers. (Bromley Dementia Friendly Community)
This is particularly relevant to conversations around dying well because dementia can bring its own challenges around communication, decision-making, advance care planning, changing needs and supporting families and carers.
Understanding someone’s wishes and what matters to them can become even more important when their ability to communicate those wishes may change over time.
Bromley Well support and services – Bromley Well provides free support for unpaid adult carers, including practical and emotional support, help with planning for the future and support through changes in caring circumstances.
St Christopher’s Hospice – For people in the Bromley area, St Christopher’s Hospice provides specialist palliative and end-of-life care and support, including support for people living with serious illness and those close to them.
Hospice UK – Death and dying provides information and practical guidance about death, dying, grief and end-of-life care, including resources to help people begin conversations that may feel difficult.
Marie Curie – End of Life Care – provides information and support for people living with a terminal illness, their families and carers, including guidance around palliative and end-of-life care and planning ahead.
Please remember: asking for help is not a sign that you are failing. It is a sign that you recognise you don’t have to navigate something this important alone. Sometimes the first step is simply knowing whom to ask.
Let’s talk better. Let’s talk earlier. Let’s talk with compassion. Let’s talk about what matters. Dying Well Matters.
Final Reflection
Perhaps the most important message from Dying Well Matters is that talking about death does not take away from life, it can help us live with greater intention, clarity and peace.
None of us knows what the future holds. But we can choose to have the conversations that matter while we have the opportunity to do so.
What would you want your loved ones to know?
Have you shared your wishes with the people closest to you?
Do they know what matters most to you?
And if you were unable to speak for yourself, would they know what you would want?
These conversations may feel uncomfortable at first, but they can also be an incredible act of love.
Planning ahead can reduce uncertainty. Talking openly can prevent families from having to make difficult decisions without knowing what their loved one would have wanted.
Understanding dementia can replace fear with greater compassion and awareness. And creating space to talk about dying can ultimately help us focus on what matters most living well, loving deeply and being remembered for the life we shared.
So, I invite you to start the conversation.
It doesn’t have to be perfect.
It doesn’t have to happen all at once.
It simply has to begin.
Dying well matters but so does living well. And the conversations we have today can make tomorrow a little easier for those we lo
How Coaching Can Help: What & Why
As The Clarity Coach, my work supports individuals who:
- Feel overwhelmed or emotionally exhausted
- Struggle with guilt around rest or boundaries
- Identify strongly as “selfless” but feel depleted
What I Support Clients With:
- Recognising over-giving patterns
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Why Coaching Is Effective:
Many people understand what they should do — but feel unable to change without guilt.
Coaching provides:
- A safe, reflective space
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Selfless selfishness isn’t about becoming less caring.
It’s about ensuring your care doesn’t cost you your wellbeing.
Work With Me – The Clarity Coach
Supporting children, young people and adults to build resilience, manage stress and anxiety, and thrive emotionally doesn’t have to feel overwhelming. With the right guidance, small changes can have a big impact.
As The Clarity Coach, I work with children, families, schools, buisness owners and organisations to provide practical strategies, tailored coaching, and safe spaces for growth.
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📩 Get in touch today to explore how I can support you. Click here to book a call
Author: Zeenat Noorani – The Clarity Coach | Co-founder & CEO, Let’s Talk Better CIC
Clarity, Creates, Confidence & Courage. Conversations that matter ~ One Talk at a time ~
